When was the last time you spoke to your child about sex?
For many parents and guardians, talking about the birds and the bees can be difficult, uncomfortable, and cringy. But for Black families, talking about sex carries an added urgency: Federal data shows Black youth account for a third of all U.S. STI cases, while Black women make up half of new HIV diagnoses.
At the same time, sex education in schools — already inconsistent and often abstinence-focused — faces growing political threats, from state laws restricting LGBTQ+ topics to stalled federal efforts to dismantle the Department of Education.
Indeed, before even having a conversation about sex, there’s more to be discussed.
Dr. Sara C. Flowers, vice president of education and training at Planned Parenthood Federation of America, says sex education is so much more comprehensive than just the act itself. It involves talking to children and young ones about consent, communication skills, gender identity, body image, and safe sex.
“Sex education also includes anti bullying, online safety, puberty, the biological elements of reproduction, sexual orientation, birth control, abortion, and all of these elements,” she says. “These are a broad suite of both knowledge and skills that (kids) learn about at home first.”
In the case of communication, Flowers says she’s seen parents teach their children the correct names of body parts. This sets the foundation for open communication, and it allows children to ask questions in a safe environment. At times, it may be difficult to answer a question, but offering to revisit the conversation or finding out together can model vulnerability — and their health is at stake.
The Cost of Not Talking About Sex
In 2022, half of the reported cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis were for youth aged 15-24. And a third of all cases of these STIs were reported by Black or African American people. In the same year, Black women accounted for 50% of new HIV diagnoses, a little more than two times the rate for white women and two and a half times the rate for Hispanic women.
In a 2024 study, parents who spoke to their children aged 10-17 about sexuality were shown to reduce teen sexual risk behavior and increase comfort to continue these conversations. Adolescents and young adults’ sexual behavior puts them at risk for sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancies, the report found.
However, sexual health education in schools is often not comprehensive enough and can depend on the whims of state government. 25 states and the District of Columbia mandate both sex education and HIV education, according to the Guttmacher Institute. Only 18 states require program content to be medically accurate.
Currently, 29 states require abstinence to be stressed when sex education is taught. But research shows an emphasis on abstinence doesn’t reduce rates of teen pregnancy.
Here’s What You Can Do
“Young people do want parents to start conversations,” Flowers says. “One of the things we hear regularly is parents wanting to sit down and start the conversation. It’s not a one and done. It’s an ongoing keep the door open type of situation.”
Here are three core elements of sexual health education Flowers says every child should learn from their parents — with different ways to approach the topic and resources from Planned Parenthood.
1. Consent As Culture
Consent is more than just saying yes or no in a sexual situation.
Parents can model consent by teaching their children bodily autonomy and asking for permission before touching them. For example, in the Black community, it’s common for young children to be expected to hug and kiss their elders, but Flowers says it shouldn’t be required.
I want our kids to have fun and laugh and experience joy.
Dr. Sara C. Flowers, vice president of education at Planned Parenthood
As a mother raising a Black girl, Flowers says her priority is to make sure her daughter feels safe. Most parents want their children to feel safe and secure, she says, and it often starts with seemingly little things.
“We want our children to feel a part of our community and understand how it functions and what the expectations are,” she says. “I want my child to feel heard in a way that my generation might not have felt as heard.”
2. Boundaries Are Normal
Setting boundaries may seem like a “new generation” thing to do — but in reality, everyone sets or lives within a set of boundaries. For example, closing the door when using the bathroom creates a physical boundary for the person using it and people nearby.
But learning how to set boundaries starts as children. Flowers suggests knocking on the door before entering a room or space your child is in. This reinforces that they are allowed privacy, even if they’re just brushing their teeth.
“I want her to expect their boundaries to be respected when she isn’t in my home,” she says about her daughter. “I want her to have manners, but I also don’t want her bodily personal space disrespected, and she gets to set that boundary.”
3. Communication Builds Safety
Communication isn’t just speaking or telling a child something. It involves a question and answer. Of course, it’s important to teach children manners, but not at the expense of their safety. Knowing when and how to approach your child about anything involving their body doesn’t have to be as complicated as it sounds.
Reminding parents that young people want to hear from them is important.
Dr. Sara C. Flowers, vice president of education at Planned Parenthood
It’s never too early to communicate with your child about their bodies. Flowers says it can simply be letting your little one know you are about to change their diaper. Or helping them understand what parts of their bodies are private and should not be touched by anyone.
Planned Parenthood has a list of resources broken down by age group to help you guide your child at every stage of their life. Even when its uncomfortable, taking the time to teach young ones about personal safety, reproductive health, and sex — lets them know you are available to answer their questions instead of finding out from schoolmates.
“I think reminding parents that young people want to hear from them is important, because we get in our own way sometimes, if we’re uncomfortable with something,” she says.
Adultification Bias and Sexual Violence
But it’s not always easy to talk to children and adolescents about safe sex. So, some parents leave it up to schools to teach their kids.
A lack of comprehensive sex education, which includes topics on consent and forming healthy relationships, is linked to higher rates of sexual violence. This is especially critical when statistics show that 1 in 4 Black girls will be sexually abused before the age of 18.
The Trump administration’s stalled efforts to dismantle the Department of Education, still pose a threat to existing sexual health education programs for adolescents.
“We know that sex education across the U.S. is already deeply fragmented and very dependent on where you live. Now, with this Trump administration attacking education broadly, it’s even worse,” Flowers says. “Young people’s health, livelihood, and safety are being threatened.”
Threats to safety were a problem before Trump took office, though. A report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention surveyed more than 20,000 teens between 2015-2019. It found Black female teenagers were more likely to say their first time having sex was unwanted compared to white teenagers. Overall, a younger age at first sex is associated with a greater likelihood that it was unwanted.
What does this mean?
Teaching young people about consent, boundaries, and communication, Flowers explains, isn’t something that should happen at 16. Even if previous generations took an approach that didn’t offer much education, it doesn’t mean we have to repeat those patterns.
“I see Black parents making a conscious decision to learn from the past and make an intentional choice about how to move differently,” she says. “I wish that other parents felt that they had the autonomy to do that because I want our kids to be free. I want our kids to have fun and laugh and experience joy.”
