By Andrea Kane, CNN
(CNN) — Editor’s note: The podcast Chasing Life With Dr. Sanjay Gupta explores the medical science behind some of life’s mysteries big and small. You can listen to episodes here.
(CNN) — Ask most parents, and they will tell you that raising kids today is stressful: the lack of enough time, money and sleep; the endless responsibilities; the paucity of reliable childcare; the pressures around social media; the unexpected illnesses and dramas. The list goes on and on.
In fact, modern parenting is so stressful that US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy recently issued an advisory naming parental stress a public health issue and calling for changes at the level of both policy and culture.
“When stress is severe or prolonged, it can have a deleterious effect,” the advisory from the nation’s top doctor said, noting that “41% of parents say that most days they are so stressed they cannot function and 48% say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming compared to other adults (20% and 26%, respectively).”
The effects of this stress are not just limited to parents; they trickle down to children, too.
But life doesn’t always have to be that way, said Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist who specializes in parenting and rose to prominence during the pandemic.
“There’s almost pride of like, ‘I’m such a mess. I’m taking care of my kids and I’m running myself into the ground,’” she told CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta recently on his podcast Chasing Life.
“And I’m just going to say it simply: no, no, no, no. Selflessness terrifies me,” she said.
Kennedy, or Dr. Becky, as she is known on social media, is the author of several books, including “Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be”; she also cofounded a company and codeveloped an app by the same name (Good Inside).
Kennedy wants parents to put on their oxygen masks first before assisting their kids — just as they would if they were on a plane.
You can listen to the podcast’s full episode here.
Parenting has always been hard, Kennedy said, but the online nature of modern life — with its smartphones, iPads, social media and video games — has rewired people to expect instant rewards without putting in the effort.
“You can do very little; you can put your thumbs on an iPad and all of a sudden, it’s like the dopamine and the excitement and the gratification is there,” she noted. “Where in most things in life — whether you’re talking about being in a relationship, parenting, learning math — you have to put high effort into it for delayed, very delayed, gratification.”
But we’re building brain circuitry for low-effort, instant gratification instead, she said. “That’s like pretty counter to what actually helps people operate in the world.”
Having kids is “massively inconvenient,” Kennedy noted, but people expect smooth sailing in the parenting department all the time, thanks to the instantaneous conveniences afforded by technology. And this expectation colors our perceptions.
“I am less tolerant of the inherent distress that comes with raising kids because my circuitry has changed,” she said. “Then my experience of how hard these moments are is actually seeing those moments as harder, based on the convenience that’s built into every other moment of my life.”
What can you do to reset expectations and ratchet down your stress levels and those of your kids? Kennedy has five tips.
Swap selflessness for sturdy leadership
Running yourself ragged to please everyone is not healthy.
“Kids don’t need selfless martyrs, kids need sturdy leaders,” Kennedy said in an email. “And taking care of your own needs is a key part of avoiding parental burnout.”
It’s important, therefore, to set boundaries. “A boundary might mean saying, ‘I’m not available right now, I’m sitting down and drinking my coffee’ or ‘I’m taking a walk by myself. I’ll be back in 20 minutes. I love you,’” she said.
Kennedy warned that, far from cheering you on, your kids will protest. “And that’s OK. You can validate their feelings while still holding your boundary,” she said. “This is what sturdy parenting is all about.”
So please, have your coffee and take your walk — if not quite in peace, then without guilt.
Give yourself a dose of self-compassion
Treat yourself the way you would treat anyone who has a hard job and is struggling.
“Here’s a promise: self-compassion isn’t dangerous, so try it out today. This parenting gig is hard and too often, we forget to notice and honor all we are managing,” Kennedy said. “Feel free to use my go-to mantra: ‘Parenting feels hard because it is hard.’ Place your hand on your heart and repeat these words until your body softens a bit.”
There. Doesn’t it feel nice not to have to get it 100% right all the time?
Make repairs instead of seeking perfection
When you make a parenting mistake — such as losing your temper or failing to make good on a promise — make amends.
“There’s no such thing as a perfect parent,” Kennedy said, noting that her kids don’t have Dr. Becky as their mom. “We all have moments we wish we could take back. So, remind yourself that kids don’t need perfect parents — kids need parents who repair.”
If this repairing is new for you, Kennedy offers an example to help you get started: “I’m sorry I yelled earlier. That must have felt scary. I’m working on staying calm even when I’m frustrated. I love you.”
Share how you feel
You don’t have to go it alone.
“Remember this: Feelings don’t give us problems as much as feeling alone in our feelings gives us problems,” Kennedy said. “Find a friend, a parenting group, a nonjudgmental online community — and share what things have been like.”
If you’re not sure how to start, she recommends phrases such as “This stage of parenting is really hard” or “I want to be honest — I’m overwhelmed and pretty exhausted.”
You might be surprised by how many others can relate, and you won’t feel as alone.
Seek out support
Not only will sharing your feelings with others help you feel less alone, it may also lead you to new solutions.
“Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world — and yet it’s a job where we’re given zero training, resources or support,” Kennedy said. “The system is truly stacked against us! Seeking support isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you or your kid — it’s a sign that you are prioritizing your and your kid’s mental health. And that’s something to be proud of.”
Support can come by way of a therapist, a pediatrician, a trusted friend, a parenting group, an online community, a podcast, a TED Talk or even a how-to book.
We hope these five tips help you exhale just a bit. Listen to the full episode here. And join us next week on the Chasing Life podcast when we talk to an expert about how microplastics are potentially affecting our bodies and health.
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